☆☆☆☆☆ Funny Jokes ☆☆☆☆☆

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? ... What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn. Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:10:02 +0000 Why do men fart louder than women? ... Why do men fart louder than women? Because they have a microphone and two speakers. Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 19:10:02 +0000 An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when ... An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Yahoo" and rode off. "Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off. "Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback ..." Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 15:10:02 +0000 A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, ... A bunch of guy's were working on a 50 story construction site, a guy working at the top acciddently knocked a brick off the 50th story, when looking down he saw that his boss was in line for the brick to land on his noggin and briskly yelled, "Falling Brick". The boss looked up after hearing the yell and moved to one side as the brick crashed to the ground. The boss looked up at the wroker and yelled, "A $100 bonus for you laddy". Another guy working a floor below had observed what went down with the brick and decided he'd have a go for a $100 bonus, the problem was he was a bit of a stutterer, as he kicked the brick off the side of the building he looked down and yelled with a loud voice, fffffffffffffffff "FUCK HE'S DEAD" Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 11:10:02 +0000 A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, ... A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off! Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 07:10:02 +0000 Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone? ... Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone? He was too busy playing the hormonica. Publ.Date : Sun, 07 Sep 2008 03:10:02 +0000 A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. ... A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?" Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 23:10:02 +0000 What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? ... What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed. Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 19:10:02 +0000 How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? ... How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it. Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 15:10:02 +0000 A guy and a nun go golfing. ... A guy and a nun go golfing. The guy hits his ball into the water. He says "Damn! I missed!" The nun replies "Don't swear. God can hear you." So the guy is like "Whatever". He hits the ball again. It goes into the trees. "Damn! I missed!" "Don't swear, God can hear you!" "Whatever" So, he hits his ball once again, but it only goes about 4 yards. "AARRRGH!!!! SHIT!!!!" Ok, so about now, God gets mad. He throws down a thunderbolt. It hits the nun. "Damn! I missed!" Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 11:10:02 +0000 The child comes home from his first day at school. ... The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow." Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 07:10:02 +0000 A young man with a wild and multi- ... A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man. "What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son." Publ.Date : Sat, 06 Sep 2008 03:10:02 +0000 A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. ... A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies. If only men would listen. Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 23:10:02 +0000 Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? ... Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:10:02 +0000 Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. ... Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck." Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:10:02 +0000 How does a blonde kill a fish? ... How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it ... Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 11:10:02 +0000 To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, ... To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed. Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 07:10:02 +0000 Why are husbands like lawn mowers? ... Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. Publ.Date : Fri, 05 Sep 2008 03:10:02 +0000 Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone? ... Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone? He was too busy playing the hormonica. Publ.Date : Thu, 04 Sep 2008 23:10:02 +0000 Golf rules for beginners: ... Golf rules for beginners: 1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2) Form a loose grip. 3) Keep your head down. 4) Avoid a quick back swing. 5) Stay out of the water. 6) Try not to hit anyone. 7) If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8) Don't stand directly in front of others. 9) Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go. 10) Don't take extra strokes. Now, that's very good. Flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off. Publ.Date : Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:10:02 +0000 To err is human; effective mayhem requires the root ... To err is human; effective mayhem requires the root password! Publ.Date : Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:10:02 +0000 Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? ... Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars? 1) So they can park in "handicapped" parking places. 2) If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect. Publ.Date : Thu, 04 Sep 2008 11:10:02 +0000 Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond. ... Once upon a time, a beautiful princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel lucky for doing so." That night the princess had frogs legs for dinner. Publ.Date : Thu, 04 Sep 2008 07:10:02 +0000 What do men and beer have in common? ... What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. Publ.Date : Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:10:02 +0000 A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. ... A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office. The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired, "Can you tell me how much you charge?" "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $500 to answer three questions." "Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?" "Yes it is", answered the lawyer, "What's your third question?" Publ.Date : Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:10:02 +0000 Chemist's last words ... Chemist's last words 1) And now the tasting test ... 2) And now shake it a bit ... 3) In which glass was my mineral water? 4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!? 5) And now the detonating gas problem. 6) This is a completely safe experimental setup. 7) Now you can take the protection window away ... 8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from? 9) And now a cigarette ... Publ.Date : Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:10:02 +0000 A cowboy walked into a barber shop, ... A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that." The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you." Publ.Date : Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:10:02 +0000 What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? ... What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? Some traffic signs say stop. Publ.Date : Wed, 03 Sep 2008 11:10:02 +0000 Absolute zero is cool. ... Absolute zero is cool. Publ.Date : Wed, 03 Sep 2008 07:10:02 +0000 How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb? ... How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Will this be on the test? 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